Rear View Mirror

Being a full-time working Mom married to a stay-at-home Dad does have its perks. Mitch occasionally tapes for me an Oprah episode which he thinks I will enjoy. One of these was a fashion tips show to help answer that most prevalent of questions asked daily by millions of American women: "Does this outfit make my butt look big?"

As one who has never been able to purchase a suit unless the jackets and skirts are sold separately, I awaited Oprah’s assistance on the edge of my seat.

I watched Oprah’s guest, Stacy Landon (who hosts her own show “What Not to Wear”) demonstrate disappearing-derrierre tricks on several women. My favorite is called “Bisecting the Butt.” This is not a surgical procedure but a sleight-of-wardrobe technique wherein one’s jacket hangs just halfway down one’s rear, thereby producing an illusion of less. Forget about covering up the whole enchilada with really long sweaters, ladies. It merely emphasizes what lies beneath.

I also found useful the whole discussion of a slightly lowered rise in your pants waist, combined with legs which are boot cut rather than tapered, and being careful to avoid hip pockets embellished with snaps, flaps or embroidered butterflies, instead opting for a tailored slash pocket, which she claims produces a trimmer effect.

What fascinated me far more than any of this, however was how each makeover candidate began: “I have always been bothered by my large butt.”

Each of these women looked to me like really normal, attractive ladies of average shape and size. It occurred to me that if most American women obsess about the size of our derrieres (or other parts), perhaps our inadequacies have more to do with perception than reality.

Oh, I do realize that our fast-food culture has delivered super-sized buns with a side of thighs. I recall the dire warnings about chocolate, “If you’re going to eat that, you might just as well smear it on your rear, ‘cuz that’s where it’s going to end up. A moment on the lips, forever on the hips.”

I do frequently remind myself that my body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, and in that connection I recognize that the back side of the sanctuary could use some renovations via crunches, leg lifts or whatever moves me. In my ongoing struggle against the world, the flesh and the donuts, the taming of the tush is often in arrears.

I do know all that.

Still, I felt curiously reassured as I reflected on my Creator’s formation of me and all my sisters. We are fearfully and wonderfully (and very, very intentionally) made. Pulling up around the curves merely indicates we are in the presence of magnificent mountainous scenery. People pay a lot of money to live among Colorado’s breathtaking views, as opposed to down in Kansas where the land is as flat as a supermodel’s tummy.

And that’s another thing. King Solomon praised his lover’s abdomen and described it as a “heap” or “mound” of wheat, “encircled by lilies.” Heaps and mounds are not skinny! And I’m fairly certain “lilies” are just a poetic way of describing stretch marks.

Husbands, go give your wife a love pat right now and tell her she’s gorgeous from mast to keel and stem to stern. And for those of you women whose husband is not as forthcoming with compliments as you might like, or for you who call God your Husband during this season, you go get that affirmation from Him right this instant! For starters, read Song of Songs 2:10-13 and all of Chapter 4. Be assured He looks at you with AT LEAST this great an intensity of love and adoration. And He longs for ours in return.

Ladies, let’s stop looking in the rear view mirror, shall we?

Oh, feel free to bisect your butt, buy boot cut legs instead of tapered, and practice other tricks of the trade. I know I will. At the same time, never forget we are beautifully and wonderfully created. And that’s the bottom line.

“Forgetting what is behind . . . I press on for my high calling . . .”